Tainted Desire: A Motorcycle Club Romance (Rough Jesters MC Book 6) Read online

  I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” she answered. “What’s your name?”

  “Eileen,” I forced out, rocking back on my heels. “I’m a mess.”

  “I’m Kris,” she said, standing and reaching out to help me to my feet. “And I think I can help with that mess.”

  ***

  I shook out of the memory, tears streaming down my cheeks. Kris had saved my life that night. I was on a path that was only going to spiral out of control, but she had pulled me back to the land of the living, forcing me to make a choice on whether I wanted to participate in life or not.

  Without Kris, I wouldn’t be the person I was today.

  Which was why I never thought she would do this to me. I never once thought she would kick me out, strip me of my title, and take me from the family that had shown me that I could still move on, that I could honor my sister’s memory in another way.

  Wiping my face with my hands, I looked at the bike. I was in some deep shit. I had nothing, no one. I had no future, no love, and this hairbrained scheme about going after Polanco wasn’t going to bring back anything for me.

  I was lost. For the first time in years, I had no direction.

  And Daniel. How had I ever thought that he would be the one? I wasn’t stupid or naïve. I understood that he had a loyalty to his work just like I had the loyalty to the club.

  The problem with that was that I had just given up my club for him and he hadn’t done the same.

  It hurt. Oh, it hurt.

  My cell buzzed at that moment and I felt the traitorous rise of hope flood my body. Could he have changed his mind? Could he have seen that I might be what he was looking for?

  Instead it was a text and my heart melted as I realized it was from the girl we had rescued. She thanked me for rescuing her again and asked me to let the man know that she really appreciated it. One innocent girl saved because we had worked together to make it happen.

  Yet the man who had taken her was still roaming free. That was why I was going after Polanco. That was why I had to end this.

  I just wished Daniel could have his retribution as well. The guilt he carried around for what happened to Machine Gun wasn’t going to disappear overnight. The only way he would be able to rest and move on would be if Polanco died.

  That was what I was going to bring to him. Even though he had turned his back on me, effectively breaking my heart, I wanted him to have the peace he needed to move on.

  I should hate him, but I couldn’t.

  So, I picked myself up off the floor, rooting around in some of the rubber tubs until I found a spare change of clothes. I couldn’t go back to my apartment. What if he was still there?

  It would devastate me all over again.

  Finding an old camping lantern, I pushed the door down and put it on, changing clothes in the lamplight. My life had shifted focus and my heart, well, I didn’t want to talk about my heart right now. It was fractured into a million pieces and I didn’t know if I would ever feel anything other than pain again.

  My thoughts drifted back to Daniel and the worry of what the CIA would do with him. He knew too much about the club, which meant he was a threat to both the clubs and the CIA.

  If I were Daniel, I wouldn’t trust anyone, least of all the CIA.

  Finding my cell once again, I clicked on the app that would show the tracker position for Daniel. It was wrong for me to track him, I knew that, but I worried.

  Heaven help me, I worried.

  So, while he was asleep at Machine Gun’s home, I had placed a tracker inside the wallet in his jeans, knowing that he would always carry it with him. We had both known that the clubs were coming for him, and in case he was taken by them and not me, I wanted to make sure I could track his whereabouts if he needed saving again.

  I checked to make sure the tracker was still on him, showing him moving toward Dallas, likely to catch the flight that would take him to California. I should delete it and let him go on his way, to another life that I wasn’t part of.

  But as my thumb hovered over the app, I found myself unable to do so. What if something went wrong in twenty-four hours or forty-eight hours?

  What if I killed Polanco and wanted to inform him?

  I could lie to myself, but that was not the real reason. The real reason was that I didn’t want to let go just yet. I wanted some sort of connection with someone, having lost my entire club family.

  I wanted to sit there and watch the tracker and wonder if he was thinking of me.

  A choked laugh escaped me, and I ran a finger over the tracker. I was being completely ridiculous about this. I had fallen hard, and it had bitten me in the end.

  Now it was time for me to step out of the shadow I had been hiding behind and show them what I was capable of.

  Strapping on my boots, I reached for the cache of weapons I had stashed, arming myself with various knives and guns until I felt like I was going into war instead of chasing after one man. Widow Maker thought she had knocked me down; had made me go away with my black heart.

  Well I was going to prove to her that that was not the case. I was going to rise up stronger, better than I ever was as a road captain. I was going to show them that they had underestimated me and my capabilities.

  And at the end, it was going to be them that felt the guilt of what they had done to me. I was tired of being the person who always did what was asked of her. That was what had gotten me into this state to begin with.

  Now I would be the person calling the shots.

  Chapter 21

  Voodoo

  “You hungry, Culbertson?”

  I drummed my fingers along my knee, my jaw clenched tightly. We had been riding for two hours, on our way to Dallas to catch the flight that would take me to California.

  I felt nothing. Well, that wasn’t true. I felt anger, both at myself and the government for what it was forcing me to do.

  Forcing me to walk away from Eileen. The further I got from her, the more I realized I was making a mistake. How could I go on to another job and pretend the last one didn’t exist? How was I going to move on without her in my life?

  I was a dumbass, pure and simple. “Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I could eat.”

  “Good, because I’m starving,” Fields said, leaning toward the driver to have him pull into the nearest fast food joint.

  I cracked my knuckles in anticipation. Did I dare disregard an order like this? I had done everything they had ever told me to do. I had been the perfect agent, taking the assignments without fail and immersing myself in my undercover roles.

  I had forgone a relationship with anyone, ignoring my family on some occasions, all for the sake of the job, the job that had made me a pile of money but left me with nothing but orders.

  Orders that they expected me to carry out.

  This would be the first time I didn’t.

  Ah, but there were far higher things at stake now. Never had I had something to live for, something that was far more precious than my career.

  Which meant I would go rogue for the sake of my heart.

  Just thinking about her made my chest clench uncomfortably. What was Eileen doing right now? Likely preparing for her trip to find and kill Polanco. I couldn’t let her do that. I couldn’t let her sacrifice her life.

  Polanco was my cross to bear, not hers. If I had killed him outright, none of this would be happening. Eileen would still have her position with the Bitches and I, well, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with her.

  At least she would have been safe from the hurt that I had caused her.

  Slumping back on the seat, I thought about what that would mean. If I went back to rescue Eileen, then I would effectively be turning my back on the government, placing a target on my back for future reference. They wouldn’t let it go and I couldn’t run far enough away.

  Or could I? Once Polanco was killed, I could run to another country, one that would keep them from bri
nging me back. Even if they solicited the local government, they would have to give up some of their secrets.

  Mexico wasn’t likely to play nice with any demands from the US.

  Which meant I did have an out, a small window that I could slip through and leave this life behind.

  A plan started to form in my mind, one that would be risky, but rewarding if I could pull it off.

  That, and if Eileen was willing to come along.

  My thoughts kept replaying the last time we were together, where she asked me to come with her on the mission to kill Polanco. I should have gone with her then, given us both hope for a good future, a future away from those that had turned their backs on us.

  But I had been a dumbass, thinking that this was the better course. It wasn’t. I needed Eileen in my life. After years of being alone, I didn’t want to be alone any longer. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to laugh and smile, not dodge bullets and make promises I couldn’t keep.

  I wanted to be the man I never thought I could be.

  The car turned into the parking lot and I sat up straighter, realizing this was going to be my only chance. If I was going to turn my back on my career and go after Eileen, I would have to do it now.

  “I gotta piss,” I said as the car pulled into the parking spot, finding the one reason they would have to let me get out of the car.

  Not that I thought that Fields suspected anything. He had been far too chummy to be here to watch me get on that plane.

  “Yeah, me too,” Fields said, falling directly into my trap. Reaching into his pocket, he threw a few bills in the driver’s direction. “Get some food for all of us. Burgers and fries should be fine. We will eat on the road.”

  The driver nodded and exited the car, heading toward the restaurant. I climbed out and walked with Fields to the restroom, clenching my hands in a tight fist. Assaulting a public official would have me thrown in prison, even if I was a public official myself.

  But in order for me to help Eileen, I had to first get the hell out of this predicament.

  Luckily, the bathroom had urinals along the wall and as Fields entered, I did the same, locking the door behind us. As soon as Fields turned to piss, I grabbed him from behind, locking my arm around his throat. He made a sound and tried to back me against the wall, but I had more than fifty pounds of muscle on him and with my arm locked just so, he wasn’t going to get out of this one.

  I didn’t want to kill him, just put him asleep long enough for me to escape.

  Finally, he went down on one knee and I finished the job, lowering him gently to the floor. A snore erupted out of Fields and I grinned, fishing around for his gun and the spare one around his ankle.

  Stuffing them in my pockets, I stole a few bills out of his wallet before unlocking the door and stepping out. One more hurdle to overcome and I would be done.

  Walking back outside, my grin widened as I saw that the car was unoccupied. Jiggling the door, I tsked as I found it unlocked. Sliding into the driver seat, I reached under the steering wheel and pulled out the wires, quickly working them with my fingers. I had lost count of how many cars I had hotwired over the years and none were difficult, including this one.

  The car started and I slammed it into reverse, peeling out of the parking lot and back onto the highway, back toward Castillo. I couldn’t find Eileen on my own. I wanted to, oh, I wanted to, but I was going to need help.

  And there was only one place that I could get that kind of help. My throat tightened as I thought about walking into the lion’s den, to the one place that I wouldn’t step in unless it was for Eileen.

  All of this was for Eileen. Widow Maker and the Hell’s Bitches might have turned their backs on her, but there had to be something within them to want to help. Going after Polanco was dangerous fucking business and it would get her killed.

  I couldn’t let that happen. I loved her.

  So, I was willing to put my life on the line to ensure that I could tell her just that.

  Chapter 22

  Widow Maker

  I sat at my desk, my head in my hands. I felt like I had been run over by a truck, my heart ripped out and dragged behind the vehicle until it was torn to shreds.

  Never in my lifetime did I think I would go through this sort of pain. It wasn’t physical. I was used to the physical pain, the aches in my body that never really went away.

  No, this was soul-rending pain, pain that I knew I couldn’t just rid myself of.

  My club was falling apart. Ever since the declaration of my ‘betrayal’ of my club, the members had been turning in their patches. So far, the count was up to twenty.

  Twenty women I had handpicked for the club that was to be the best in Texas.

  I scrubbed a hand over my face, feeling the weariness settle in my body. Rex and I hadn’t spoken in two days, not since the night of the impromptu meeting. His angry words were still floating around in my mind, things we had never said to each other before.

  I had been pissed at him before, but never like this. I loved my husband, but right now, I hated him as well.

  He hadn’t given me any sympathy for what my club was doing to me nor had he sided with me kicking Siren out, reminding me that the same reason she had betrayed my trust was the reason we had brought the two clubs together.

  She was in love with the one man that she should not have been, as I had been.

  Shaking my head, I let out a small laugh. It was funny that Siren and I had the same fate, both hexed by men we hadn’t planned on loving.

  I just wished hers hadn’t been so bad. I could tell that night in the conference room how much they cared for one another. I’d never seen Voodoo look at anyone that way before.

  And Siren. I wanted her to be happy. Ever since I had found her drunk on that lonely street, the torture of her grief evident in her eyes, I knew she was something special. She had served the Bitches faithfully and without complaint, which made my job that much more difficult. I hadn’t wanted to kick her out.

  But what else could I do? She had slept with the enemy and I had no choice but to pull rank and kick her out.

  The door opened and Mama Bear stepped through, her expression solemn. I gave a nod, gesturing for her to sit. “What brings you here? I thought you would be with your kids today.”

  She didn’t sit and I felt the first worry thread through my veins. “I’ve come to talk, not as your second-in- command but as your friend.”

  I steepled my fingers together before me. “All right, Mama Bear. What is on your mind?”

  She drew in a breath. “I think what you have done to Siren is wrong. She is only guilty of falling in love with the wrong person, just like you did with Rex.”

  I arched a brow, hiding the fact that I felt that she was telling the truth. “Is that what you came to talk about? How I wronged one of our own?”

  Mama Bear laid her hands on the desk, leaning forward. “I remember when you started this club, Kris. I remember the faith you placed in the fact that we could make a difference, that women could make a difference against those that tried to do wrong to the innocent. I remember that you stated that nothing, absolutely nothing, would ever cloud your vision.”

  “I remember,” I said softly. “But I was a different person then.”

  “I don’t believe you,” she answered, her eyes flashing. “There is nothing different about you other than the fact that you have forgotten what is important. Family is important, Kris, not wealth or power or the destruction of the cartel. It is family that is what built this club and I’m afraid that tonight, you dissolved that family.”

  I listened to her words, my stomach roiling. She was right, of course. Family had been everything to me; one of the building blocks of what the Bitches stood for.

  But I couldn’t allow the actions of one to tear down what I had built. I had come to be feared at the same level as my own husband.

  I couldn’t let that slip away. “Is that all?”

  Mama Bear shook her hea
d. “I can’t be a part of this anymore.”

  My blood ran cold. She was leaving? She couldn’t leave. She had helped me put this club together and keep it together all these years. She was my right-hand woman, the person I could turn to and trust to always have my back. “You can’t do that!” I exploded, slamming my fist on the table.

  “I damn well can,” she shot back, ripping off her patch. I watched with dawning horror as she placed it before me. “You will have to find another vice president, Kris.”